October 31, 2014

Does Love Fit Within Our Theological Walls?

I’m slowly coming to fully believe that I can’t fit the Word, Love – aka Christ in me (as me), into the small box that is Christianity. It’s not gonna work no matter how hard you try cram it to make it fit. You will eventually come to a place where what you truthfully know about Love far exceeds the Bible and Christianity’s theological boundaries. We weren’t made to ever fit within those walls. It’s ok if you haven’t discovered this yet, but know if you keep seeking, you will come to the end of what you know in your mind and realize that what you know in your heart far exceeds it.

Time to get out of the cocoon, let our wings breathe and fly!

Our Passion for Him. . .?
By John Gavazzoni

“We stubbornly cling to the notion that we will still find a key there [Scripture] that will give us full entrance into the heart of God and WE ARE WRONG IN THAT HOPE. It can go no further than declare that “….the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” (Jn. 1:14), and that in Him we are “the fulness of Him that filleth all in all” (Eph. 1:23). So in the light of that final Word of scripture, standing on the highest peak it offers, what do we do brethren, HAVE ANOTHER BIBLE STUDY? When we climb the highest peak of biblical revelation and there find ourselves resplendent in His glory what do we do, take another course in Greek and Hebrew? When on that peak we hear the Word, “In Him dwelleth the fulness of the Godhead bodily and ye are complete in Him” (Col. 2:9), what shall we do? Shall we bring to God a fresh offering of our yearning that He do a greater work in us because we are so lacking before Him? Slowly but surely, the Spirit of God has laid upon me the prohibition against my coming to him with the passion of my yearning for fullness when He has declared me full and complete in His Son. He said to me, “I don’t need your passion, I have enough for both of us and I have seen the travail of my soul and I am satisfied. Away with the burnt offerings of your piety, it is as nothing when seen in the light of my burning love.”

October 24, 2014

Follow Up to: Abuse – An Inside Look Into Our “Normal” Christian Marriage

A few weeks ago, my husband told of how abuse in our marriage was strangling and killing it. That article has had the highest number of views on this blog so far – with many writing in telling us that they, too, are doing things to sabotage their marriage and asking us how to move toward healing and wholeness. While we aren’t professionals on these matters, these are some things that helped us tremendously and are worth considering as you make your way toward healthy relationships.

It will take a great deal of courage just to admit to yourself that you are an abusive person. It’s important for you to truly believe that you have power over this abusive behavior and that it doesn’t control you, that you are not a victim to your own anger. Change first has to happen in your own mind.

You must come to the conclusion that:

It is not ok that I’m treating my spouse/significant other this way
I choose to build her up not tear her down.
I will do the hard work (heart work) that is necessary to win back her trust, even if it gradually takes the rest of my lifetime.

When you come to these conclusions and they are settled inside of you, then it comes down to breaking bad habits of learned behavior, which is the hard work. In the heated moments, when all you see is red, tell her you need some time to cool off and regroup. Come up with a plan for those moments together.
It’s also really important to not make this a journey you take alone. For this to be a real and fulfilling change in your life, you will need to involve the one it affects the most. It’s time to share power, give up control. Pursue humility in every way you can with her. It’s going to feel at times that you are “whipped” or she wears the pants in the relationship. It will feel like some kind of violation to your rights, and it will probably feel extreme. It’s all bullshit. Don’t pay attention to those feelings. They will constantly derail you from success if you do.

I encourage you both to read that book. To be a powerful man is to love, not to dominate. But love can look weak sometimes. This is not about a game of who is in charge, it’s about restoring to the both of you freedom to be equally powerful. This will require a great deal of patience. There is no quick fix. The amount of time it takes to gain and earn back trust is determined by how much trust was broken. We can’t tell someone how to heal, or how fast. This is where patience will be needed the most. You can’t be making this change to get anything in return. It’s not to change her and fix your marriage. It’s to love her.

This is a life change. If you are truly serious that you are committed to this change, then you WILL see a transformation in yourself, your marriage and your family in due time. You have within your ability to change the atmosphere and invite peace, joy and to promote trust in your life. I have leveled with my kids in a very honest way. They know that we are recovering. We are very honest with them about abuse and the importance of self control. It’s very hard to let them see some of this reality, but the trust that it builds is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

We are so happy that our story impacted someone! Read the book. Start there, and then take it all one day at a time. One argument at a time. You can do this! 🙂

One last thing…. Don’t treat your anger like it’s the problem. “Be angry but don’t sin.” It’s what you choose to do with this anger that is the problem. It is possible to be angry, and respectful towards your wife at the same time. Be committed to doing your own inside work to discover what is behind the anger. Maybe your feelings are hurt. Maybe you feel disrespected in some way. You are the boss of your anger, not the other way around.

A big key on this journey is constantly practicing forgiveness. You have to forgive her and forgive yourself. She doesn’t even have to be involved in this process. As silly as it sounds, I would spend alone time talking to the imaginary Heather and tell her what she did that hurt me line by line. Then I would say I forgive you for_______ one at a time and then “I release you to be free to be yourself. I accept you as you are.” With each thing I could feel a physical weight being removed from my belly. Quite therapeutic.

You have what it takes to get through this! With time, you may see a freer side of yourself and spouse that you never even knew existed.

We wish you all the best!!

P.S. We both have been through years of counseling to discover the dysfunction. To be honest, the Christian counselors that we went to were able to help us with healing our past, but did little to help us discover the codependency and abuse. For this reason we highly recommend couples in abusive situations to see someone who specializes in abuse/enabling/codependency to get the best possible outcome of recovery.

October 22, 2014

The Treasure Hunt – a children’s tale

I wrote this sometime last year and thought it was dumb afterwards. So I did nothing with it. This morning, while going through old files, I unearthed it, reread it and loved it for what it is – my journey in parable form. My hope is that you will feel the love of Papa as you read and discover His love for you.

It was a cool spring morning as bright warm sunbeams peeked through my curtains. I heard my bedroom door slowly creek open. Papa woke me with tickles and kisses.
“Rise and shine, Sleepyhead. Come play with me! We have a big day ahead of us. I made a treasure, it’s hiding and you get to go find it!” He exclaimed with a twinkle in His eye.

I quickly dressed in anticipation and raced out the door toward the field of tall grass, the blades rising above my waist. “Yay!! A treasure hunt!” I yelled out heading toward the field.

I began my quest with enthusiasm. There was a skip to my step and a tune in my heart. It was gonna be a grand adventure! They always were with Papa!

As the day wore on I began to feel discouraged. I had finally reached the end of the field. I had searched high and low, but could not find a single trace of anything valuable. There was only miles and miles of dead colorless grass as far as the eye could see.

I dejectedly plopped myself down at the base of a lonely tree while large tears welled up in my eyes. This was not fun anymore. A little prairie dog came out of her burrow to see what woke her. I glanced in her direction. She stared back, so I poured my heart out to her.

“Am I in the right place? He did say there was a treasure here, didn’t he? Why would He tell me to find something I couldn’t find? It seems His idea of a treasure is dirt, because that’s all that’s here!” The little furry animal didn’t seem to have time for my whining and scurried off back to her den. I threw myself face down onto the ground and cried out all my frustrations. Time went by and the bright yellow sphere began to descend toward the horizon.

Just before twilight a light breeze blew across my mud stained cheeks and with it a scent of honey-spices traveled over to me. My heart began to beat faster in anticipation. In the distance I could see His mouth moving and I knew He was speaking with Wind; His strong hands parting the tall grass as he moved gracefully toward me. He was getting closer and I could see his face shining with excitement. “Yay! You found it!” He exclaimed and picked me up, swung me around in a wide circle then placed me gently back on my feet. We giggled and then I quieted, remembering my current dilemma.

I glanced around every which way still looking for the treasure he spoke of. Confused, I looked down at the ground and broke some soil free with my toes. Looking back into His kind eyes I whispered, “I wish I knew what you meant. I’ve searched all day long. I have even dug a few ditches and found nothing.” My breathing became more labored as my voice gained momentum. I was angry.

“I’ve ran every inch of this field and dug holes with my bare hands all day and I have nothing to show for it. I feel lied to. Why did you tell me there was a treasure here when it’s nowhere to be found? I’m weary of the search, I’m done looking, and I’m tired of working!” I crossed my arms over my chest and stomped my foot in the dirt for good measure.

He held back a chuckle. His expression began to soften as he noticed the hurt and exhaustion etched in the details of my face. Tears were just below the surface. He picked me up again, this time in a warm embrace and settled me in His arms. Using his fingers, He pushed the loose tendrils of brown hair out of my eyes and tenderly placed them behind my ear.

“Dear Child, don’t you fret. You will never find this treasure with hard work or effort. You are searching too hard. The moment you entered that field, you had already found the precious prize!”

I sniffled and gave him a puzzled look.

“It seems you have forgotten who you are, Sweet One. You are my child, always have been, always will be. You were born of love therefore love is who you are. You don’t have to look deep to see my DNA in you. Just look at your reflection in that creek over there. You are more valuable than the most costly jewels in all the world. Don’t you see? YOU are the treasure!

I shrugged my shoulders and gave a loud sigh. There was nothing special about me. I wasn’t any better or worse than the next person. How could what He said be true?

“Believe in who you are!” He continued. “Believe you are powerful and made like me! You have my mind and have access to my thoughts. You are mine and nothing can change that.” I began to feel warm and cozy throughout my whole body. It reminded me of drinking hot cocoa on a cool rainy day- the heat chasing away the cold. My toes even tingled.

“Live like a beloved treasure for that’s who you are. You can do no wrong here with me. Don’t worry about secondary stuff anymore. It does you no good and distracts you from Me and My love. Sickness, fear and sin dissolve in the light of my love and acceptance. The more you snuggle next to me the less worry you will encounter. My love pushes all the fear out.”

“Knowing you are the treasure is just the beginning of seeing everything from a clearer perspective- or seeing things from My reality. Close your eyes to that old worthless way of thinking. You are not poor. You are not wretched. You are not lost. And you are not broken. Child, you are free.”

I wanted to believe Him so badly. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. All I had ever wanted was to be near Him and see everything the way He did. I wanted fresh perspective.

I began repeating this new found gem,
“I AM the treasure! I am THE treasure! I am YOUR treasure!”

As I spoke I began to feel my thoughts shifting. I could feel my heart receiving this Truth and I knew it was being carved in my heart for all time.

“Life is for you to enjoy.” He responded. “It’s my joy to offer you all that I am and have. I’ve opened your eyes to see. Provision is at your fingertips, grace is always available, and my beauty is in everything around you. Love IS and it is all yours right now. It is as easy as receiving a present on Christmas morning. Can you see it?”

I slowly opened my eyes. There before me were trees and birds. Rivers and waterfalls. Flowers and vines. Everywhere the dried up field had been there was instead life bubbling up from every pore of the ground and a lullaby coming from every winged creature. Even the clouds were smiling at me! Where I once saw dead scratchy grass was now a lush green oasis blooming with color and life. Each tree’s branches were bending under the weight of their abundance.

Rubbing my eyes, I slowly began to turn around and around, trying to take it all in.

The smells were beyond anything my nose had ever encountered and light was in everything, shining through everything- even me! There was no darkness here. There was no darkness in me. Wow!! There were so many new discoveries to be made.

“Another time, my love.” He replied, answering my thoughts before I spoke them. Then he lifted me high above his head and placed me securely on His shoulders. “Now you know why I love treasure hunts so much!” He exclaimed and then laughed the deepest and heartiest laugh I’d ever heard while I watched His belly dance with joy.

He turned and started walking us home, whistling as He went.

That night He tucked me in with a kiss and a song. I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of tomorrow’s adventures knowing they would be grand. They always were with Papa.

October 20, 2014

Seek ye first… Love.

Lately I’m asking myself why anything matters so much to lose peace over? Why must we believe that everyone’s journey toward Love must look exactly like ours? All these little details are really secondary. Such precious emotions and time all given to trying to prove our beliefs are the “right” beliefs when honestly, we are missing it. Must we have it all figured out to love extravagantly without conditions? I don’t think so. IMO whether the bible is perfect (inerrant Word of God) or not takes second fiddle (or third or fourth) to love. Why even argue this?

All this head knowledge is fun to discuss but if it distracts from our heart leading us to love, it’s better if we put down our books for awhile and learn love’s way. Yes, even the bible can keep us blinded to love if it’s become more important in our hearts than Love (aka idolatry).

Jesus said we must become like little children to see the kingdom of heaven. Children are carefree and simplistic. A child doesn’t need his theology or bible knowledge “correct” to love. We can learn a lot from young children: how to love unconditionally is a big one.

Jesus also told us that love is what it’s all about and when we get that down we don’t even have to worry about the law or moral conduct because love won’t ever be immoral. It’s easy. Let’s not over complicate this. If we can’t explain it to a 5 year old, we are overthinking it.

If your life isn’t sold out to Love, it’s time to reevaluate. If your love doesn’t make people feel free and loved, it’s time to reevaluate (if you don’t know – ask those that you struggle with loving if they feel free and loved). If you don’t feel completely and overwhelmingly loved, it’s time to truly discover if you’ve ever really met Love, Himself. No one meets love and leaves unchanged. No one. I’ll spell it out: if people don’t change, it’s because they have yet to have an encounter with Love. No amount of mental gymnastics will create lasting, effortless change. But Love does.

Love is experienced and Love will bring us into all truth, whether in this life or the next. No need to worry about anyone not getting it right. Everyone will… eventually.

Love is not difficult, nor is it complex. It’s easy… at least it should be. If it’s not, then it just means we need more time in Love’s presence.

Love will teach us to rest. Life is more enjoyable when we learn to chill out when it comes to all the minute details and allow ourselves to love and be loved. The inner workings of love IN US is THE foundation in which everything else must be established if we want to truly walk in the Spirit in everything we do. While this is not a new concept, I do believe it was Jesus’ central theme during his ministry years. Will it be ours?

October 14, 2014

How have I become so “deceived?”

Ever wonder how in the world I could go from believing like a nondenominational Christian (maybe like you) and now I’m saying and sharing what seems to be a radically different perspective? It would be easy to shake your head and dismiss it but I encourage you to remember I believed like you do now and the change in me – in my thinking – has been because I sought out Love (God) and Truth with all of my heart, mind and strength. I discovered a truth that was somewhat taught in our circles but not really emphasized or encouraged to take too seriously. That new perspective is one of Oneness. Jesus prayed that we would know our oneness with Him like he and his father shared. It dawned on me that this isn’t a “when I die” thing nor is it a “someday” message – but a today message. A “before the foundations of the world I (intimately) knew you” kind of oneness. It was like I woke up from a deep sleep or was born out of a way of muddied thinking into a bright light and told that I could open my eyes and breathe on my own now – no need to lean on the placenta of certain christian doctrines any longer.

Take a moment to realize that an awakening toward more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control can never be a bad thing. That is good fruit. It’s the fruit of the life giving Spirit within us. If you discovered a way to see this fruit flow effortlessly (and I mean effortlessly) out of you but it butt heads with some of your biblical theology, would you throw it all away because it doesn’t match your current beliefs? Or would you decide that if the fruit lines up with what Paul describes as true proof of living by the Spirit – then you must be going in the right direction and it’s time for a mindset change. Which one makes more sense to you? The latter is all I’ve done.

If you find yourself still hoping that one day you will attain this overwhelming joy, and peace that you’ve heard preached from the pulpit your whole life but haven’t truly experienced it like you believe you ought to, use that dissatisfaction to go after Him and realize that the problems lie between your two ears – your thinking about God and who you really are – that is at the root of the problem.

When I grabbed ahold of this “Oneness” idea and decided to ask questions “what if I already am equal to and one with divinity? What if all of humanity is, we’ve just forgotten?” It propelled me – advanced me – into a beautiful exploration and discovery of so many truths that my last Pastor preached about but I had never experienced. “It’s time to go back to the Garden.” And “the head is to serve the heart, not the other way around.” “The kingdom of God is backwards to how we think it should be.” And so forth. I’m a go getter – don’t tell me something is available to me and not expect me to take you seriously. Don’t preach a message you don’t expect people to run after and decide to discover for themselves.

Following my heart has also made very clear which biblical perspectives weren’t Love at all but misinterpreted or not even close to truly representing a God who is Love. Love is my guide now. Not a book. The book was never supposed to be our guide. I propose men put the letters and writings together that we now call the Bible because they had forgotten their Oneness. And when you forget your Oneness, you feel lost and in need of a “how-to” manual.

You need to know that you have everything you need within you to discern truth. You don’t need to be afraid. Finding that inner Voice will take some practice and like a new muscle will need to be used to be strengthened… But make no mistake – it is there and when you truly discover that voice which is pure love – you will have an experience that surpasses head knowledge and allows you to “know” things and to be able discuss them freely because you have discovered that they are apart of you – your very DNA – and not something you have to learn in your mind to “know” it.

You were born perfect in love... Not lacking like you have been taught. Go back and remember your True Self. There’s no fear in love. When you begin to feel fear (even if your mind tells you it’s illogical) realize that that must not be God for there is no fear in love. The truth about you? There is no fear in the deep inner True You either. Follow your heart, follow what makes you come alive on the inside. Those are the living waters flowing from inside you. That is the most real thing you can trust.

Francois du Toit says it in a way you may better understand:

Prov 4:23 “Keep your heart with all vigilance; for from it flow the springs of life.”
We are designed to live from our innermost being. Every authentic expression of life is sourced there! Jesus says in Jhn 7:37, that if we believe that he is what the scriptures are all about, then we will discover that we are what he is all about and rivers of living water will gush out of our innermost being! It is from the heart to the head! Out of your innermost being rivers awaken! Our faculties of hearing and seeing beyond the horizon of the senses are ignited thru the truth of the gospel. The essence of the good news that brings great joy to all of mankind is that God has succeeded in his love initiative to cancel every definition of distance and seperation! This is so much more than mere information; it is a revelation of our redeemed innocence and oneness; to this we are now renewed in the spirit of our minds which is our deepest seat of consciousness. “Then you will know that I am in my Father and you in me and I in you!” Jhn 14:20.

Oneness is not an elusive mystic goal to strive towards for the rest of our lives! So many sincere people have over the centuries wasted many a day and even a lifetime striving to live “towards”, when we have all along already been liberated in the finished work of Christ, to live “from” completeness! Eph 3:4 In reading these words you will perceive my insight into the mystery of Christ. (The word, anaginosko, suggests an upward knowledge; to know again, to recognize, to read with recognition. Insight, sunesis, from sun eimi, together “I am”, a flowing together like two rivers.)

Thoughts For Life – 14 October (from his book, ‘God Believes in You‘ – available in print and on Kindle)

I believe in you. You have the courage to seek the “scary” unfamiliar to discover for yourself if it resonates with you or not. You have been taught to be afraid of being deceived. To be afraid of false teachers which just reiterated the lie that you can’t trust yourself but that’s just it, You are one and the same with God… How can you go wrong trusting your inner knowing? You are trustworthy. You are brilliant. You are fearless. You are love.

Don’t you know that what you believe about yourself on a core level influences and alters your life accordingly? I just got tired of thinking that God in me is great, but me “by myself” is scum. Separatism promotes depression and anxiety and strife. Oneness promotes self love, confidence and rest. I lived in the throngs of the former. Not until we get tired of sleeping will we choose to wake up. Not until the womb gets too cramped and uncomfortable will we choose to be born.

Awakenings – radical life altering perspective changes – aren’t just a one time thing. If you will let yourself grow, you will discover more than one “born again” experience in your life. You have not “arrived” nor have I. At one time that used to be scary to think about, but now it’s exhilarating. Life will never be boring or confusing if I keep going after abundant-life fruit.

Why do I share?
Because I was blind and now I see. Because I was lost and now I’m found. Because I’m not the only one who feels as I once did. I was supposed to be experiencing love and joy on a level not available to “nonChristians” and yet when I got brutally honest with myself, I saw many “heathens” living happier and fuller lives. How was that even possible?! I was queen of following the rules and pursuing holiness. I was more dedicated and in love with Jesus than I could tell many around me were (I was also pretty self righteous) and yet no Christian cure or bible scripture held the power to set me free from my inner turmoil and prison. Why was Jesus not enough? I had done everything I had been told was the right way to act and believe. It wasn’t working.

I don’t believe I’m the only person in my Christian circles who feels this way. In fact, since speaking out, I’ve discovered there are WAY more people who can identify. For this reason I will not keep silent. I’m not trying to convert anyone or get you to change your belief systems. I’m asking you to be open minded to the fact that though you may have experienced one awakening or born again moment in your life, consider being open to others as well. And encourage people towards love, not a doctrine or dogma. The truth sets people free. We don’t have to get all complex in our theologies to find truth. We were born knowing truth. The trick is going within and rediscovering it again. And once we find it, compare it to the current dogmas and doctrines we hold onto so fiercely. Are we willing to let Love have its perfect way? Are we willing to let Love shake everything that can be shaken until all that remains is Love?

I recently saw a quote that I instantly fell in love with:

“The law will always remind you of your sins. Love will always remind you of your sonship.”

If you find yourself more aware of your or others sins, I propose you’ve forgotten the true gospel and that it’s time to return to your first Love.

I have stopped identifying with the Christian label as of now because what I describe above just doesn’t fit into what most Christians consider to be truth. I decided it’s high time I stop trying to cram new awakenings into old wineskins. It’s never worked for me but I continued for years to try because I was desperate to maintain the Christian label. I don’t need a label any longer. I just want love. I no longer care what label you might need to place on me to make you feel more comfortable. If you are so upset about my “sudden” change in perspective and you find yourself getting angry and believe I’m spreading a false doctrine – do yourself a favor and call me a non Christian – at least you might find peace and not feel the need to protect the “sheep” from me.

Even the term sheep is a connotation that people are stupid and can’t trust themselves and they should rely on other smarter, wiser sheep to lead them to the Shepherd and truth. It’s rather insulting. It’s also untrue. We can trust this Love voice within us. You were created with the mind of Christ. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise anymore. You have everything you need to live a life of love, joy and peace. You just gotta know where to look.

Within.

Tides of the Mind

an introvert's journey to discover her true-self

Month: October 2014