I believe that Christ in us (as us) is THE answer to everything. The problems arose when I realized religion taught me separation and dualistic thinking my whole life to begin with, and then tried to get me to see my unity in Christ without ever letting go of the former separation teachings. The inner fight was always between religion and what Christ in me was telling me. Eventually, after 30 years of deep seeking and constant struggle and strife, and after 10 years in dark suicidal depression, I realized I was perpetuating this hell on earth by staying in environments where dualism was being taught along with a side dish of “Christ in you” yet the the message always stopped short of any power. And I was going to the most cutting edge, progressive churches available!
The moment I decided to follow the Holy Spirit and fully embrace my unity with Christ, (i.e., no separation at all, one as he and the father are one, believing I really do have the mind of Christ, and realizing that Jesus was an example OF us (God and man, as one) and not an example for us to strive to attain to be like) that’s when I actually started living. And it didn’t take long for religion to label the abundant life I was experiencing and sharing as heresy. It didn’t fit inside the religious mold anymore. And like a cocoon, I realized it was time to come out so that I could explore without fear even more what Christ inside was teaching and leading me towards.
The 10 years I was in suicidal depression I was struggling to find a way to live what I believed and everywhere I turned to ask for advice (great and wise men and women of God) they convinced me I was coming to wrong conclusions and so I continued to stifle all that I knew was true in me but was too “out there” for those I shared it with. So I listened to those I deemed wiser, older and more spiritual than me and I denied the voice of Christ within me and stayed bedridden and sick for a decade. I came to the end of myself, literally. I wanted to die and realized nothing religion had taught me could help fix me. The moment I began listening to Christ in me, is the moment I learned the truth: I was never separated from the Source of all. Love is where I began and love is the essence of who I am. There was nothing to fix, though my perspective needed to be tweaked. I am and always have been one with Love.
Jesus lived this revelation and accomplished extraordinary feats. If I want to see the life of Christ in my life, my perspective must also be like the one Jesus had. He knew his connection to the Divine. He was immovable concerning it. He had no problems declaring that He and the Father were one. And yet religion has created an idol out of a man that lived a life showing us our true potential. Showing us who we really already are. I don’t need religion telling me that I’m nothing without Jesus as if I could possibly separate myself from Divinity if I tried. A change in the mind is all that’s needed to see what’s always been true about us. There is no separation, never has been, and any separation experienced is because the mind believes there to be separation. Change the mind, you change your life. It’s so easy. So beautiful. So freeing.
It was obvious after trying everything I knew to do and all the best Christian counseling available to me – I was living a powerless life. This was definitely not what Jesus promised. I knew something had to change but what? So I began seeking Christ within. I had been taught by some of the best how to hear His voice. I knew his voice well. This was life or death for me.
Though I’m not 100% better, in the past year of distancing my life from church and Christianity, I have healed at rapid rates. I’m able to get out of bed now and enjoy my children. The fruit that this has produced in my life is undeniable and to me, fruit is the way we know if what we are believing is life giving or not. I’ve had my first true born again experience, it just happened to be out of religion/Christianity. So I don’t curse the womb from where I came, but I can not go back in, and I must cut ties to the institution (the placenta) for to fail to do so would be a certain dying to my heart, I know this, for I experienced it.
I’m thankful for all I was taught, and in the end I decided to let go of the old rugged cross and instead cling to the full awareness of my unity and oneness in Christ. I had to let go of anything that would try to convince me otherwise so double mindedness wouldn’t run rampant in my life anymore. I have a singular focus of living in Christ and Christ living in me –without borders. It’s glorious, fearless, and the most exciting journey I’ve ever been on. Leaving Christianity was not easy but a very necessary decision for me. Another way to say it could be that Christianity was my training wheels, but I have found I don’t have a need for them any longer. Continuing the analogy, the training wheels were holding me back and since I’ve taken them off, acceleration in my spiritual life has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s been everything I’ve always hoped for but somehow couldn’t obtain. It’s been the best decision of my life.