Why I left Christianity


I believe that Christ in us (as us) is THE answer to everything. The problems arose when I realized religion taught me separation and dualistic thinking my whole life to begin with, and then tried to get me to see my unity in Christ without ever letting go of the former separation teachings. The inner fight was always between religion and what Christ in me was telling me. Eventually, after 30 years of deep seeking and constant struggle and strife, and after 10 years in dark suicidal depression, I realized I was perpetuating this hell on earth by staying in environments where dualism was being taught along with a side dish of “Christ in you” yet the the message always stopped short of any power. And I was going to the most cutting edge, progressive churches available!

The moment I decided to follow the Holy Spirit and fully embrace my unity with Christ, (i.e., no separation at all, one as he and the father are one, believing I really do have the mind of Christ, and realizing that Jesus was an example OF us (God and man, as one) and not an example for us to strive to attain to be like) that’s when I actually started living. And it didn’t take long for religion to label the abundant life I was experiencing and sharing as heresy. It didn’t fit inside the religious mold anymore. And like a cocoon, I realized it was time to come out so that I could explore without fear even more what Christ inside was teaching and leading me towards.

The 10 years I was in suicidal depression I was struggling to find a way to live what I believed and everywhere I turned to ask for advice (great and wise men and women of God) they convinced me I was coming to wrong conclusions and so I continued to stifle all that I knew was true in me but was too “out there” for those I shared it with. So I listened to those I deemed wiser, older and more spiritual than me and I denied the voice of Christ within me and stayed bedridden and sick for a decade. I came to the end of myself, literally. I wanted to die and realized nothing religion had taught me could help fix me. The moment I began listening to Christ in me, is the moment I learned the truth: I was never separated from the Source of all. Love is where I began and love is the essence of who I am. There was nothing to fix, though my perspective needed to be tweaked. I am and always have been one with Love.

Jesus lived this revelation and accomplished extraordinary feats. If I want to see the life of Christ in my life, my perspective must also be like the one Jesus had. He knew his connection to the Divine. He was immovable concerning it. He had no problems declaring that He and the Father were one. And yet religion has created an idol out of a man that lived a life showing us our true potential. Showing us who we really already are. I don’t need religion telling me that I’m nothing without Jesus as if I could possibly separate myself from Divinity if I tried. A change in the mind is all that’s needed to see what’s always been true about us. There is no separation, never has been, and any separation experienced is because the mind believes there to be separation. Change the mind, you change your life. It’s so easy. So beautiful. So freeing.

It was obvious after trying everything I knew to do and all the best Christian counseling available to me – I was living a powerless life. This was definitely not what Jesus promised. I knew something had to change but what? So I began seeking Christ within. I had been taught by some of the best how to hear His voice. I knew his voice well. This was life or death for me.

Though I’m not 100% better, in the past year of distancing my life from church and Christianity, I have healed at rapid rates. I’m able to get out of bed now and enjoy my children. The fruit that this has produced in my life is undeniable and to me, fruit is the way we know if what we are believing is life giving or not. I’ve had my first true born again experience, it just happened to be out of religion/Christianity. So I don’t curse the womb from where I came, but I can not go back in, and I must cut ties to the institution (the placenta) for to fail to do so would be a certain dying to my heart, I know this, for I experienced it.

I’m thankful for all I was taught, and in the end I decided to let go of the old rugged cross and instead cling to the full awareness of my unity and oneness in Christ. I had to let go of anything that would try to convince me otherwise so double mindedness wouldn’t run rampant in my life anymore. I have a singular focus of living in Christ and Christ living in me –without borders. It’s glorious, fearless, and the most exciting journey I’ve ever been on. Leaving Christianity was not easy but a very necessary decision for me. Another way to say it could be that Christianity was my training wheels, but I have found I don’t have a need for them any longer. Continuing the analogy, the training wheels were holding me back and since I’ve taken them off, acceleration in my spiritual life has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s been everything I’ve always hoped for but somehow couldn’t obtain. It’s been the best decision of my life.


13 thoughts on “Why I left Christianity

  1. I appreciate what you have written. While our journeys have been so very different, I can relate to almost all that you are saying here. I was never a member of an evangelical or fundamentalist church (and have never had any of that traditional FEAR of hell), and I’m a Brit (where there is far less ‘religion’ than in America). I can really understand why you say you have left Christianity, but I’m reluctant to use such an expression because it doesn’t quite sum up my own thoughts. I tend to emphasise that there is an enormous difference between the Christian RELIGION and the Christian FAITH. That seems to be a little less confrontational and occasionally leads to positive questions, or asking for an explanation of what I mean.

  2. While I encourage your to embrace the freedom that can only be found in our true identity, I would also encourage you to correctly classify Christianity, in that this is a title we should be proud of, and not something we let bodies of people dominate in their pattern like worship houses.

    After all we are the church! The church is not a temple or a building anymore…it is US.

    If you have time lookup Jglm.org. The truth is quite clear when we read the word for what it says…not what people think it says.

    Be blessed

    • Thank you for your comment, CJ. I never mentioned anything about “the church.” You assume that by me leaving Christianity, it means I leave behind all the beloved people I am in relationship that I met through Christianity. I made no such mention of this. The truth is that Christianity is a crude shell of what Jesus embodied in the Gospels. If Jesus walked the earth today, I’m pretty confident he wouldn’t want to be associated with Christians and most likely would speak to them as he did the Pharasees. Christians have become comfortable with their doctrines and so sure of their “correct theology” that they have strayed so far from the Love we were called to live effortlessly. Christianity believes Love is something that must be grown in us and the only way it can be real love is if someone “accepts Jesus as their Lord and Savior” because Christianity believes all mankind is born wicked and evil. But Jesus didn’t preach that way. He said to enter the Kingdom we have to remember what it was like to be an innocent, perfect child and think like that. In almost all these “sure”theologies, I have discovered many flaws within them after digging deeper and trying to understand Jesus from a purely Jesus-only perspective. I was shocked to find out that lots of what I believed and was taught from Christianity didn’t line up with His teachings. If we are honest and study with an open mind to discover truth, not just to prove our theologies correct, we will uncover more than we ever thought there was to discover. The question remains though, “Will we be courageous enough to challenge all we’ve been taught to discover truth for ourselves?”

  3. hi heather,

    i know ‘why you left christianity’. i left it too. rather, we were led out. christianity is a poor expression (copy) of the truth; christ is the only truth and the only gospel. christ was not a christian; neither did he establish a new religion…there was no need for that. he proclaimed himself to be the way, the life, the door, the shepherd, the i am. and, then, he proclaimed that we are, too.

    when i stumbled upon my true identity in christ, i could no longer listen to my alter ego and its proponents. i now know christ. rather, he knows me (us). accordingly, i now know you, dearest sister. i rejoice with you in your discovery of christ and, thus, yourself. hallelujah!

  4. You are Awesome! Thank you so much for sharing this!

  5. While I agree that “Christ in me, the hope of glory,” should be our centerpiece message and experience of life, we don’t get that without acknowledging the importance of the cross in that. Paul, who said, “it is not I who live but Christ in me,” also wrote, “may I never boast except in the cross of my Lord Jesus Christ.”
    1 John 4:10 says, “In this is love, not that we loved God but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
    An atoning sacrifice is not necessary unless there was some kind of disruption or break in relationship between humanity and God.
    To ditch that old rugged cross is to ditch one of the very means by which God saves and reconciles us back to Himself. The indwelling/outpouring Holy Spirit in human beings is the reason why He went through all that – not just to get us into heaven, but as a friend of mine has said, to get heaven into us.

    The problem with the idea that there has never been a separation between people and God is that there are religions that have been teaching that – they are called Hinduism and New Age neo-paganism, which have no problem with accepting Jesus as one of many “avatars” or manifestations of “God,” on the earth. Yet those religions are little more than open doors for demonic posession. I’m sure you’re not advocating those beliefs.

    That said, I’m all for talking about Christ in us, and some of my favorite books are by or about Christian Mystics like Jeanne Guyon, Francis of Assisi or Mechthild of Magdeburg, who all experienced, wrote about and advocated a transformative and transcendent union with God, but we don’t get that apart from Jesus’ birth, life, death, burial, resurrection and sending of the Holy Spirit.

  6. I relate on so many levels. I spent as many years struggling with severe depression. As hard as I tried and as hard as well meaning clergy and other Christians tried, there was an unmistakable void. I had excellent medical care, I had family and friends who did their best (and yes, its depressing to be with depressed people), I had and gave fellow depressives’ support. Christianity failed. The more I delved into the darkness, believing that the way out is through it, the more I examined my failure to grasp the religion’s answers to my questions, my own apparent shortcomings, the more I came up with…nothing. I had a final severe episode during seminary and what was stunning was the silence of the vast majority of my colleagues. It’s about ten years later. I’m as in love with Jesus as when I first fell in love with him as a young child. I call myself a Jesus loving Wiccan because I love honoring God/Goddess, having a archetypal figure in Brighid, and marvel at Jesus as Love imminent and transcendent in everything. Including the mundane. That’s saved me from Christianity and it’s stifling effect. It’s allowing me once in awhile to visit with nice people at a local church and be unconcerned with theological correctness. That’s huge for someone who became a church elder at age twenty. This fifty-two year old is growing into myself and finding Christ and celebrating with abandon. Thank you for your reflection. It’s a bold move and I so get you!

  7. […] like training wheels for me, helpful for a time but eventually became a hindrance.  The moment I took them off, I was finally free to pedal like the wind. The freedom from what was weighing down my spiritual […]

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